Regret
by Remember.Innocence
Summary: Who am I?  I slowly destroy, but I cannot be destroyed,  I sicken you, but I can never be cured,  My whispers torment, but I cannot be heard,  I poison you slowly, but you cannot consume me,  I retain the power to kill, but I can never touch you,  Who am
1. Chapter 1

**Authors note: Welcome to this fanfiction! This story is very similar to (in fact it is sort of based on it) the story _The Contract _by the oh so amazing author DIY Sheep. The fanfic this story is based off of was originally written for one of the other phenomenal shows, _House._ If you haven't had the opportunity to read it I highly recommend it! Anyway, it's disclaimer time! **

**Disclaimer: No, sadly I do not own anything accept for the plot, and quite frankly even that isn't completely mine, so yeah, I own nothing.**

**Last second note: There are some pretty intense bits in this story and it is definitely not suited to younger audiences, hence the T rating!**

Who am I?

I slowly destroy, but I cannot be destroyed,

I sicken you, but I can never be cured,

My whispers torment, but I cannot be heard,

I poison you slowly, but you cannot consume me,

I retain the power to kill, but I can never touch you,

Who am I?

Regret is a terrible monster, as detective Olivia Benson was discovering. The source of her turmoil stared her unflinchingly in the face, she shut her eyes as the reality of everything closed in upon her. _Beep. Beep. Beep. _Inescapable. A constant reminder of her failures. A constant reminder of a thousand broken promises. Guilt, regret, and if – only were her single companions.

A moment after shutting her eyes, Olivia snapped them open. A fact that she had come to live with was that she would never be able to escape the flashbacks to the horrors that she had seen. That _He_ had endured. The images on those tapes were something Olivia had resigned herself to carry forever more as her personal cross to bear, _God only knows, how much worse it had been for Him... _

_ Why hadn't I seen it sooner?_

_ Why didn't I realize what the signs meant?_

_ How could I have missed something so obvious?_

_ Why did he do it? Oh yeah, I know the answer to that one..._

_ Beep. Beep. Beep... _

** Yes, yes, I know. It makes no sense now, but read on, I promise everything will make sense next chapter. I'm just a sucker for a good, mysterious hindsight chapter! **

** (ps. Please review! I like reviews and I have a place for a couple lucky readers names in the story! So pleeeeease give me some feedback, and If you include your name in your review, then I might (probably will) include you as a character in the story!) **


	2. Chapter 2

**Authors note: Okay, so I know that the last chapter was very confusing and all that jazz, but now I am here to make it up to you by clearing at least some of the mysteries up! **

**Happy reading, Love **

**Elliot's point of view**

Exhaustion was working it's way from his head to his toes, at least that is what it felt like to Elliot Stabler as he walked down the front steps of the 1-6, en route to his car and consequently his apartment. The case he and his long time partner and arguably his best friend, Olivia Benson had been working on was particularly grueling (they always were when the involved children), and Elliot just wanted to reach the comfortable confines of his apartment as quickly as possible so he could continue in his fruitless attempts at repairing his broken marriage.

Finally Elliot reached his car and fumbled around with his keys for a moment until he dropped the stack of papers he had been holding. After stooping down to pick up the scattered sheets, Elliot noticed the half sheet of paper stuck underneath his windshield wiper.

"Damn advertisements," the detective muttered as he frustratedly added the paper to his messy stack, and climbed into his car.

**Olivia's point of view**

"Liv, pacing isn't going to make him get here any faster." Munch wearily stated, Olivia's constant movement was making everyone in the office dizzy, but undettered, she continued to march around the station, fixing her immaculate desk for the fourth time, Anything to make the time pass.

Twenty more minutes passed in this same fashion until, much to everyone's relief, Elliot slowly walked into the room. Not a full second later, Olivia was in front of him, blocking his path and she was livid out of both worry and frustration.

"Where the hell have you been?" Olivia demanded, "You _know _we were supposed to be interviewing our suspect, half an hour ago!"

"I got caught up in traffic." Elliot blandly defended himself.

"Oh, was it so bad, that you couldn't even answer my phone calls?" She shot back, he wasn't getting off the hook that easily.

" Look, sorry I'm late, just lets drop it."

Everyone was silently shocked at this, it was incredibly unlike Elliot to just submit like that, even to Olivia.

Olivia was surprised the same as everyone, and momentarily stalled in her train of thought. She let her partner pass her and took an inventory of him. He was still dressed in the same clothes as the previous day and his face looked pale with dark circles emerging underneath his eyes. Olivia tried to remember whether she had seen him set up in the cribs last night, but she knew that she had seen him head home.

Olivia approached him again, this time with a more concerned attitude. "El," she said more quietly this time, " you know you look like hell, right?"

At this Elliot stiffened up, putting on the characteristic don't-bother-asking-i'm-not-going-to-talk-about-it look that he was famous for. "Hangover." Was the only response she received.

Not buying this copout response, Olivia continued, " don't give me that crap, I know you Stabler. You never drink when you have work in the morning. Did you even sleep last night?"

"Drop it."

"No."

"I'm fine"

"No, you're not."

"Drop it."

_ BRRRRRRRRING! _ An instant later Elliot grabbed the phone.

"Detective Stabler." He said quickly into the receiver. Olivia gave up, she had lost this one.

**Authors note: Okay, I know I didn't clear much up but it will all make sense. Just bear with me! I love being suspensful! Oh, and PLLEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAASSSSSEE review! I can never get better if you don't help me improve! So please take a moment of your time to review, and remember if you give me your name, you just might end up as a character in my story!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Authors note: Okey Dokey, I'm trying to get into a groove here and I have a plot completely written out in my mind, but I need some feedback, Is this story worth continuing? Please let me know things that I can improve on, because I want this to be a great story!**

**Enjoy! Love, Jamie B.**

**Elliot's Point of view**

Sickening agony was a new concept to him. Elliot used to be a sufferer of the preconceived notion that pain is something that has an extent, that no matter how much it hurt, it could never be compared to death, that death was worse than pain. Elliot laughed at the thought of this, laughed because someone had managed to make his only _ultimate _fear, death, seem like an old friend one would welcome with open arms. _Life is where the real pain exists, my life at least_. But he couldn't die. He couldn't _allow _himself to die. His master had taken that from him, the freedom to die, the freedom to live, Elliot had no freedom. He had literally sold his soul to the devil.

He had read through murder files, seen bodies, heard testimonies, but Elliot envied those people. They were victims. They had no choice. _What did doctors call someone who has a choice? Oh yeah, A Masochist._

The twisted ingenuity of his master seemed endless. Creativity seemed endless in his case. There was always a new method, an new extent to the pain. The thought his master seems to put into his work must be extensive, not unlike an artist. An artist who uses the medium of screams and whimpering to create a perfect masterpiece of torment. It continually amazed him that so much pain could be inflicted without leaving a trace. And what little of a trace that was left could easily be covered by a long sleeve oxford. Secret scars are the ones that leave the deepest marks.

The first night was the worst. By far. The sheet of paper contained only four words, four words that would forever alter his existence: _Go Home, no stops. _He had obeyed the instructions only because that was his original intention, but they struck a note in him. Elliot's pride was angered at obeying an order from an unknown source, but nevertheless he went home, with no stops.

The clogged night traffic was expected but frustrating. Elliot drove the distance to his complex and entered his apartment. The light was already on.

"Good evening, Eli." Said a dark voice. Before Elliot could glimpse the source of the voice, a rough sack cloth bag was thrown over his head. He felt pressure in an odd place on his neck and moments later, darkness swallowed him.

When he awoke he appeared to be in a conference room of sorts. He was alone. He was in a desk chair, seated at a table. Three sheets of paper, accompanied by a stainless steel blade, glared at him, stark against the dark stain of the table. One paper was written in the same perfect handwriting of the original instruction note, it contained only the following words: _Read the contract, decide. You'll know what to do. _

Again obeying the instructions Elliot read through the contract word for word, there was only one clause, one subsection and a place to sign. Despair clutched at his heart as he scanned over the final sheet. In a moment his decision was made, indeed he understood what he had to do. He picked up the blade and pressed it to his finger.

"A few drops should suffice." A bodiless voice stated through an intercom. A few seconds after the red stained the white, a bag was once again thrust over his head, And his new masters lead him through the door into a new definition of agony.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: You guys are so great! Your encouragement really means a lot to me! I too am kind of along for the ride with this fanfic, as I am never quite sure what my brain will cook up next for me to write! As always Happy Reading! Love,**

**Jamie B.**

**Olivia's point of view**

"Nobody saw it coming. The signs were there and we just missed it. All the changes in him were drastic, but it happened so slow that it all seemed natural, you know? In a sick way, but still natural." Olivia explained to the counselor, "Maybe if I had payed more attention... Maybe if, well... Anything, There has to be something I could have done."

The detective buried her head in her hands with a defeated expression as the elderly shrink continued on with another question, " Olivia, there was nothing you could have done, and nothing you can do to change what happened. You have to come to terms with that and stop berating yourself. Why do you look at it as your fault?"

She looked up with red rimmed eyes and explained, "I saw things in him that had changed, I never imagined..." Olivia paused for a moment as a sob broke through, " I never imagined... well I just noticed things.

"My first clue that something was off was when the news about Kathy came out. We all knew how hard Elliot was working to try and fix things up with her, and it just didn't make sense..."

**Elliot's point of view**

Destruction stared him in the face. It was the end to all his efforts. It was the first time the reality of exactly how much control they had over him came crashing down.

A hotel room.

A pretty woman.

He had orders.

For the first time he struggled. He begged, he tried to compromise as his masters stood over him laughing at his pleas. One of them, the fatter of the two simply produced a picture. That was all the convincing Elliot needed. He obeyed his masters' commands. He threw his virtues to the dogs as they watched in contented amusement.

**(Three weeks later)**

Elliot hadn't known about the videotape. If he had, maybe he would have been prepared for the day it would show up on the doorstep of his wife's house. Maybe he would have been prepared for the sobs of his wife as she watched her husband with the other woman. Maybe he would have been prepared for everyone in his life to learn about his "affair". Maybe, Maybe, Maybe...

**A/N: Please review! I am going to post the next chapter really soon! Also if any of you guys have ideas or suggestions, I would love to hear them!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Authors note: It's time to kick things up a notch, shall we? Anyway, Happy Reading! Love, Jamie B.**

**Oh Yeah, and I haven't done a disclaimer in a while, so let me remind everyone that I own nothing and bow down in the shadow of the mighty Dick Wolf!**

**Elliot's point of view**

The sound of his own screams filled Elliot's ears. The Acrid scent of burnt flesh entranced his nostrils. Sheer pain tore at his mind. After a moment, the pain level seemed to reduce infinitesimally and his cries of agony dimmed into panted whimpers. Elliot watched in horror as the man standing in front of him brought another cigarette to his lips, he struggled furiously against his restraints while the lighter clicked to life and the butt of the cigarette glowed dimly. It was no use, Elliot was bound not only by ropes but by something much more powerful. The contract was what held Elliot to the chair and restrained his arms outstretched as the cigarette was pressed firmly against the flesh of his ashtray of an arm.

The sound of his own screams filled Elliot's ears.

**The next morning at the 1-6**

"Where's Elliot?"

"Sick..."

"Again..."

**A/N: I cringed a little while writing this, sorry for the short chapters, I am trying to create a story where what is unwritten tells the most. **


	6. Chapter 6

**Authors Note: Okay, so I am achingly sorry for taking an eternity to update, I feel pretty bad about that, but sometimes life happens to get in the way of your sick and twisted imagination. But despair no longer! I have some more evil left up these sleeves of mine, so here we go!**

**Fin's point of view**

"Yeah, well I wasn't exactly buddy buddy with the guy, doesn't mean I wanted anything like this to happen to him you know?" Detective Fin Tutuola explained to the shrink. " I mean, who would wish that upon anyone?"

"Liv picked up on the weird stuff first, she's special that way. I'm pretty sure she's the only one who he ever allowed to get close to him, so it made sense that she was hit the hardest when he started pushing everyone away."

**Elliot's point of view**

Dread washed over him as Elliot stared at his own sunken reflection in the mirror. He permitted himself to take full look at his body and was horrified. Without his shirt on, every bruise was visible, every scar, every cut. His arms looked like ashtrays and his torso was a road-map of carnage marking every second of his torment as a permanent memory.

_How the hell am I going to explain this tomorrow_ he thought as he examined the swelling around every joint in his left hand. Elliot was yet again amazed at the planning that his masters did to ensure the continuity of the only thing that held him to this earth, The Contract. Caught in his musings, Elliot succumbed to one of his many flashbacks.

"_Dislocation is quite an amazing thing really," The cold voice stated plainly as if he were speaking about nothing more than the local weather, "All the pain of a real break. But virtually no physical evidence." The man punctuated his words with a sharp jerk to each bone, and said nothing more leaving the silence to be filled only by the sound of Elliot's pain._

_He laughed humorlessly as he left Elliot to reposition his own bones._

Elliot came back to reality and found himself on the floor of his bathroom, drenched in sweat. Fear locked itself around him in its terrible grasp, as he kept re-living the scenes of his personal hell for the remainder of the night.

The next morning, by a sheer act of will, Elliot got up off the floor and prepared himself to face another day of work. _More questions. They always have questions... I never have answers._

**Olivia's point of view**

Olivia was caught up in her paperwork for the case when her partner entered the precinct and didn't notice him at first. What she did notice was the sudden influx of noise. Olivia looked up to tell her co-workers to shut up when she saw that the source of the conversation was her partner.

Crossing the room in seconds, she bypassed the small crowd to get to Elliot. "What the hell happened to your hand?" She demanded from her partner (whose hand was wrapped like a sausage, in gauze).

"Nothing." He responded flatly.

"Oh yeah, so you just decided to play doctor and forgot to remove the bandages? Seriously Elliot, you have missed more work, been sick more times, and been more injured in the past year than in all your previous years as my partner combined. Is this somehow related to Kathy?" Olivia yelled at her partner. Amazingly, everyone in the office suddenly became very focused on some task or another, as they prepared for the obvious fight that would ensue.

For the first time in months, Elliot rose his voice and finally allowed his frustration to flow, unfortunately his livid partner did the same. "How does Me getting hurt have anything to do with Kathy?" He yelled, " Why would it anyway? Is that the only reason you're even concerned, because you might find out some _Juicy _water cooler gossip about your partner's affair?"

"Of Course Not Elliot. I'm worried about you, WE ALL ARE WORRIED ABOUT YOU! You have been keeping things hidden from us all for months now, and we have a right to know what the hell is wrong with you, because it's affecting us all!" She responded

He knew he had to say the things he was about to say, but it sickened him to do it. " Olivia, I don't care that you are worried. I don't care. Can you get that? I don't care about you. ANY OF YOU! I DON'T CARE!"

"Well I do, Elliot. I care, and I want to know what's wrong with you so I can help."

"Like hell you care! The only reason you are interested in me is so that you can make yourself feel good by handing out pity left and right. I don't need nor want your pity. I don't need you to take care of me, I do just fine of a job myself.

And You want to know what is wrong with me? Well fine! It's YOU. I have been trying to get you out of my life for the past year and you just seem too hard headed to get the hint. I don't care about you Olivia. I don't like you. I don't love you. I don't even want to be your partner – no, I wish  you weren't my partner."

The room was silent now in shock. It tormented Elliot to see the hurt in his beautiful partner's eyes, but he didn't have to look long. Olivia put on her tough mask and coldly stated, "Well you don't need a fairy to make that wish come true." And she walked away.

The next day, Cragen finalized the partner trade and Olivia began her new partnership with Munch as Elliot did the same with Fin. Elliot felt that a piece of him died on that day.

**Authors note: I hope it was worth the wait, I'm gonna be posting another chapter within the hour but reviews are still greatly appreciated!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Authors note: Okay, so I lied about how fast I would be posting this chapter, but I had MAJOR constipation of the brain a.k.a I had so many ideas for this chapter that everything just got all backed up inside my brain, thus it took an eternity for all the words to form themselves, but here it is!**

**Disclaimer: Well I've got a special treat for you folks today! A double disclaimer! I own nothing yada yada yada, AND I wanted to throw in a warning that this chapter is a bit more intense than any of the previous chapters so younger readers: proceed with caution.**

**Cragen's point of view**

"Alright, so as you know I am Dr. Sholtis the temporary departmental psychiatrist, I'm here to evaluate the effects of the recent events on the members of this department and yourself. Do you have any questions before we begin?" the elderly shrink said to the Captain.

"No sir, can we please get this finished. My teams need to resume working," was Cragen's response.

" Certainly. Now can you please state your name and your relationship to the victim."

"Don Cragen. I was his boss, he was one of the best detectives SVU ever had."

"I can't help but noticing your use of the past tense. You are aware that the victim is still alive?"

"Yes, and this victim has a name, and deserves the respect of being referenced to by his name." the captain responded, growing agitated, " Detective Elliot Stabler was as I said one of the best detectives in this department, but He is no longer with the department, hence the past tense."

"Captain, you do not need to be angry with me, I only meant to keep my statements objective, I meant no offense to the victim – er, Elliot." The shrink stated shortly before continuing. " Now can you describe to me what from your point of view, the events that took place before" –

"Yes. Well things started getting strange about a year and a half ago. Stabler started showing up to work late, and seemed less focused on the job; but that all seemed thoroughly explainable since we all knew his marriage was strained. Anyway, his behavior slowly started to change, he acted different, stopped even letting his partner into his personal life..." The man paused and seemed to visibly grow sadder, emphasizing the age on his face. " After a while, he began to have a seemingly endless variety of injuries, which was very strange for him, he never had an explanation for them either which only intensified our curiosity. Finally after about a year of constant illness and injury his then partner Olivia Benson confronted him. He blew up at her, and the entire exchange ended with Olivia ending their partnership..."

"Please continue..."

"Well a few weeks after that fiasco, Elliot disappeared for days without a single word. When he returned I saw the biggest difference yet. He looked dead in his eyes. Now I had been this mans boss for years, watching him work and working over him. All of a sudden, when I looked in his eyes all of the spark in them was gone. There was no more life in his eyes than any of the people laying in our morgue. There was something in him that was broken, gone, GOD DAMMIT, THOSE BASTARDS BROKE HIM! They left him as nothing but a shell of a man..."Cragen buried his head in his hands with red rimmed eyes...

**Elliot's point of view**

The burning showers couldn't do it. The endless bottles of whiskey and scotch couldn't do it. The bottle of pills couldn't do it. Nothing could erase the memory of it. The pain of the men beating him as he resisted. The burn of the straps around his arms as they bit into him while he struggled. The whispers of the the mans hot stale breath laughing in his ear. The feel of the men inside him as they stole the last bit of humanity from him. The memory of how they finally won, how they violated and destroyed him finally beyond repair. The wetness of the tears running down his face for the first time since he signed the contract.

The last bit of him died that day. Elliot Stabler was finally broken...


End file.
